Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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