you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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