Please don't use social media to get back at me.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Randomize
