Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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