I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
