When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
