Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Randomize
