I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
