If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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