if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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