I faked an abortion last night.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
