Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
