There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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