Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
