Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
