Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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