I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
