For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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