I faked an abortion last night.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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