Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
