well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
