I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
