I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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