If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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