my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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