oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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