I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
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