Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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