I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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