I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
