So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
