Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
