Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
