I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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