I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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