nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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