I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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