Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
