my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
