I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
