see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
