if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
