I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
