I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
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