I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
