A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
