I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Tell her she can't have a vagina
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
