I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
