im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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