meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
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