At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
