I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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