Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
