You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I deserve this hangover.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
