wanna go halves on a baby?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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