This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I puked a lego.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
false alarm, still single
Randomize
