I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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