i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize