Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
