I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
lets start a swedish sibling band together
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hippo gnu deer
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Randomize
