Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
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