I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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